How to Frustrate Your 20-Something Customers

Feb 21, 2014 | Customer Service

Frustrated man on laptop

 
If your business is being overrun with customers in their 20s, you’ve come to the right place. This article was written for you. You’re just a few steps away from ridding your clientele of a whole generation.*

Step 1: Make your website slow, ugly, and full of ads.


We’re talking large, flashy text in at least six different fonts. And don’t forget low-resolution photos, broken links, and about eight unrelated and/or borderline inappropriate ads in the margins.


Step 2: Forget About Your Social Media.


Who needs a profile picture and contact information? Not you. Avoid posting your location, hours, menu, prices, or anything important on your social media pages. That stuff only takes up space—and helps potential 20-something customers find you. Above all, refuse the urge to reply to comments or questions posted on your page. Customer service is a thing of the past.


Step 3: Limit your hours of operation, change them frequently, and make it impossible to get an appointment/reservation.


Open your doors only at your convenience. Your customers don’t have jobs or busy schedules, right? Enforce a “walk-ins only” rule, and then enjoy every sunny day that comes your way with a simple lock of the door. Leave your phone off the hook while you’re at it—or at least ignore your messages for a few days. You don’t need that kind of stress in your life.


Step 4: Accept only one method of payment.


For debt collection, student loan, or utilities companies, this is a sure-fire way to frustrate your 20-something clients. Offer only the most tedious and uncommon payment options. Better yet, charge a transactional fee for anything other than cash. Bonus: make sure your gift cards expire in a month.


Step 5: Make conducting business as complicated as possible (especially your return policy).


It’s all about the fine print, people. Never make doing business an easy task for your customers. Add some red tape, required signatures, bulky legal statements, and at the very least, a ten-page return policy.


Step 6: Do nothing for your community and/or relief efforts.


Your time, money, and resources are just that—yours. Someone else can help raise funds for cancer research, donate clothing to the local homeless shelter, and supply food to impoverished communities. That stuff isn’t for you anyway.

There you have it. If you follow these six steps, your business will effectively deter its 20-something customers.


*NOTE: This article is sarcastic. Please—if you want to keep your customers happy—do the complete opposite of these steps.

Sincerely,
The 20-somethings of America (or at least 212 Media Studios)

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